I remember the first time I went to a spa. I had no idea what a spa really was; I thought you just relaxed in a dressing gown and maybe had a massage if you had the budget, enjoying some peace and tranquillity that doesn’t come easily with working, parenting, and life in general. So there I was in my cousin’s car after she had just collected me ahead of our hour-long journey. I just happened to mention that I wasn’t sure about bringing my swimming costume but decided not to as it was one less thing to carry. She looked at me and gently explained that the dress code for spas is literally a swimming costume. Well, nobody had told me ahead of the spa trip I would need one, so it didn’t even occur to me to bring it!
The reason I’m sharing this personal lesson in spa-life is to discuss communication. A well-documented trait of autistic people is a tendency to interpret language literally. This literal thinking can extend to phrases and metaphors. For a long time, I believed that when someone said they had got something from “off the back of a lorry” or “in the garage forecourt,” they had actually visited these places to purchase goods that were defective or had broken packaging. When someone says, “Can I pick your brain?” an autistic person might imagine a painful scenario rather than understanding it as a request for advice.
Autistic people often struggle with the implicit rules that govern social interactions. For example, if told, “When you get home, we’ll sort it out,” they might think it means as soon as they walk through the door, instead of understanding it as “When we’re both not busy and at home, we’ll sort it out.” This literal interpretation requires additional cognitive effort to translate into the intended meaning.
But then there are the unwritten rules—things people seem to “get” or “understand” without being told. I did not know swimming costumes were needed for a spa; it wouldn’t have occurred to me to check. I don’t always know what the social rules are in different settings or what the preferred etiquette is unless someone tells me. Like many neurodivergent people, the last thing I want to do is offend someone, but I don’t always have the processing ability or executive function to find out all of these things ahead of time despite trying my best—it’s exhausting!
So what’s the message here? Many of us, neurotypical and neurodivergent alike, often assume that others understand our expectations and societal norms without explicit communication. This can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of embarrassment when those expectations aren’t met. By making our expectations clear—such as specifying, “We are going to this place at this time, and everyone needs to bring X,” or “I need X done in Y manner by Z time”—we can improve efficiency and reduce stress for everyone involved.
Clear communication benefits everyone, not just autistic individuals. It fosters an environment of compassion and understanding, acknowledging that everyone has unique communication needs. By being explicit and considerate, we create a more inclusive and supportive world for all neurotypes.