A client asked me a question recently that, on reflection, is something I hear surprisingly often:
“How do I prepare for something when I don’t even know what’s going to happen?”
At first, I smiled because it felt like such an honest question, but it quickly made me realise how many different versions of it I’ve heard over the years. Sometimes it comes from someone waiting for the outcome of an autism assessment. Sometimes it relates to an upcoming meeting at work or a difficult conversation with a family member. Other times, nothing has actually happened at all, but their mind has already travelled days, weeks or even months into the future, trying to prepare for every possible scenario. It’s something I recognise in myself too.
When uncertainty feels uncomfortable, it can be incredibly tempting to try to think our way out of it. We replay conversations, imagine different outcomes, rehearse what we might say and ask ourselves endless “What if?” questions, hoping that if we think hard enough, we’ll eventually feel ready. The problem is that we usually don’t. More often than not, we simply end up exhausted.
That conversation stayed with me after the session had finished, not because the question was new, but because it made me recognise that I already had a way of helping people approach it. It wasn’t something I had consciously designed or written down. It had developed gradually through my own experiences and through years of supporting neurodivergent adults. Without really noticing, I had been guiding people through the same process again and again.
I eventually gave that process a name: the RAR Framework, which stands for Regulate, Assess and Respond.
The RAR Framework is not a way of predicting the future or making uncertainty disappear, because none of us can do that. Instead, it is a practical way of navigating uncertainty without feeling that we need to prepare for every possible outcome before we can move forward.
Whenever I notice myself, or a client, becoming caught in “What if?” thinking, I return to three simple questions. First, Regulate: what do I need right now to help my brain and body feel settled enough to think clearly? Next, Assess: what do I actually know, what assumptions am I making and what information am I still waiting for? Finally, Respond: given what I know right now, what is the most helpful next step?
These questions are not intended to remove uncertainty. Instead, they help us shift our attention away from trying to solve problems that do not yet exist and back towards the things we can influence in the present moment.
Let’s look at each step a little more closely.
Regulate
When we’re overwhelmed, anxious or dysregulated, our brains naturally look for certainty. Unfortunately, that’s often the point at which we’re least able to think clearly. Before trying to solve the problem, I encourage people to pause and ask themselves what they need first. That might mean stepping outside for some fresh air, using a favourite sensory support, making a cup of tea, going for a walk, talking things through with someone they trust or simply recognising that they’re too overwhelmed to make a decision right now. Regulation isn’t about making difficult feelings disappear; it’s about supporting ourselves enough to think more clearly, rather than simply reacting to how we’re feeling.
Assess
Once we’re feeling a little more regulated, we can begin separating facts from fears. This is often where I ask clients questions like, “What do you know for certain?”, “What are you assuming?” and “What information are you still waiting for?” More often than not, those questions help us realise we’ve been trying to answer things that simply don’t have answers yet. Sometimes the most honest response is, “I don’t know,” and that’s okay. Not knowing isn’t a failure; it’s simply an acknowledgement of where we are right now. From there, we can make decisions based on what we do know, rather than trying to fill in the gaps with assumptions.
Respond
Only once we’ve regulated ourselves and assessed the situation do we decide what comes next. That next step will look different for everyone. It might be making a phone call, asking for help or setting a boundary. Equally, it might be recognising that we simply don’t have enough information yet, and that waiting is the most appropriate response. Waiting isn’t always avoidance. Sometimes it’s a thoughtful decision to pause until we have what we need to move forward. Whatever the response is, the important thing is that it’s based on what we know now, rather than every possible outcome our anxious brain has tried to prepare us for.
A Different Way of Preparing
I think that’s why the question stayed with me. It wasn’t really about preparing for a single event; it was about something much bigger. How do we cope with uncertainty when we simply don’t know what’s coming next?
The more I’ve reflected on it, the more I’ve realised that I don’t think we can ever truly prepare for every conversation, every outcome or every unexpected change. Life is simply too unpredictable for that. What we can do, though, is prepare ourselves. We can learn to regulate our nervous system when uncertainty feels overwhelming, practise assessing situations based on the information we have rather than the assumptions we make, and trust that we can respond using the skills, knowledge and support available to us in that moment.
For me, that’s what the RAR Framework is really about. It isn’t a promise that uncertainty will disappear or that difficult things won’t happen. Instead, it’s a reminder that we don’t need to have every answer before we take the next step. We don’t need to predict the future to move forwards; we simply need a way of meeting it when it arrives.